Good morning all. A quick note to tell you about this wedding I posted late afternoon to the blog because it is an absolute must-see! Right, this morning I'm handing over my blogging duties to the amazing wordsmith that is Emma Woodhouse, aka, The Wedding Reporter. {Brides, any of you unfamiliar with the services provided by The Wedding Reporter absolutely must go and check Emma's blog out today}. Today, Emma considers an issue that will, I'm sure, be on the minds of many of you planning your weddings right now. I this is the case, we hope this gives you reason to pause and consider your situation and how to proceed in a way form here on that is best for you.
We'd love your feedback on this post – please leave a comment below and let's get some community discussion going. Emma, over to you…
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I, like many other wedding suppliers, make my living thanks to brides who have their fingers on the pulse of wedding trends. I’m used to girls who have devoted countless hours to creating a wedding that is representative of their personality, style and relationship.
Love My Dress Wedding Blog – Photography Copyright (c) 2011. Image Source
My clients can often be found with one hand scrolling through wedding blogs whilst their nose is stuck in one or other of the national wedding magazines. They’re keen to see something new and different and to wow their guests with a dynamic and personal wedding celebration.
It comes as a shock, therefore, to discover that not every bride has this luxury. Despite the increasing popularity of new media, there are a vast proportion of couples out there that will look at you blankly at the mention of this mythical blog you speak of. Although I feel bad for those who are missing out on this wealth of inspiration and information, my concern is for the girls who may or may not be aware of the online wedding community but who certainly are beholden to traditions and other people’s opinions when planning their wedding.
As someone who stubbornly refused any counsel about my own wedding planning (because I knew what would and wouldn’t work for us, not just because I’m a cow), I find it hard to fathom when I hear of entire weddings being coordinated around domineering relatives or archaic conventions.
We think it is so simple to say that you should style your day, your way or “If you don’t love it, don’t do it”, but that’s actually not necessarily an option available to everyone. We think that the focal point of a wedding is the people getting married, but it can actually turn out to be the person holding the purse strings.
Parents or older relatives who offer to financially contribute towards a wedding are hugely generous and undoubtedly appreciated. The concern is when that money is used as leverage for decision making; random people turn up on the guest list at the behest of the person paying for their meal, certain suppliers have to be used because the person paying them can get a discount and the phrase “because that’s how it’s always been done” becomes currency against the question of “But why do we have to have a receiving line?”
I had a friend tell me that on his wedding guest list of 140+, only 21 of the invitees would be on his side of the church. His fiancé’s parents had invited the majority of the rest of the guest list and due to their contribution he felt powerless to contest it. What could I possibly advise him?
Whilst money is often the cause of unhappiness in these situations, never underestimate the power of emotional blackmail either. Living in fear of offending people can often lead to taking on board items, suppliers or traditions that the couple don’t actually want. Telling well-meaning advisors that you don’t have the same ideas can lead to hostile tensions, the like of which will remain in family folklore for years to come.
Wedding planning can be a precarious minefield at the best of times, but it becomes a veritable pressure cooker when the opinions, thoughts and beliefs of outside forces have to be taken into consideration as well. It becomes even pricklier when you add in the generational gap between how weddings used to be when these people got married, and how 21st century weddings look.
I’m sure in most cases the couple in question are incredibly grateful for the help and support, even if it might not be what they’ve always dreamt of. However, as you sit there making your bunting or creating mood boards or sending out spreadsheets of jobs to your bridesmaids, spare a thought for those brides who are staring down the barrel of a wedding that looks shockingly like their parents’ wedding 40 years ago. Because that’s how it’s always been done.
♥ Have you had to compromise on any elements of your wedding to placate other people?
♥ How do you handle budget issues with parents etc?
♥ What advice would you give to anybody in the position of having a wedding that has been engineered for them without much of their own input?
♥ Where do you draw the line at “help”?
♥ Did anyone express their distaste for choices you made in your wedding – e.g. grandparents horrified by cupcakes instead of fruitcake? Or, heaven forbid, did you Mother tell you she didn't like your dress?
Emma – The Wedding Reporter
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You can see more discussion posts on here my dress here.
Annabel View all Annabel's articles
Founder of Love My Dress. Passionate Podcaster and Editor. Annabel lives in rural North Yorkshire with her husband and business partner Philip, their two daughters and menagerie of furry hounds. She loves photography, meditation, walking, being outdoors and star gazing. She is fierce when it comes to championing talent within the wedding industry and when she's not working on Love My Dress, she supports her husband Philip in the running of the family's sustainable flower farm and floral design business, Moonwind Flowers. In 2013, she became a published author.
Oh my god yes, I bloody love my mother but she is a nightmare to plan a wedding with. If I had known the financial contributions would come with this much “well I’m paying for it” I would never have accepted the money. The current drama is that she doesn’t like the invites “they don’t show how much is being spent on the wedding”!?!?? Won’t the wedding itself do that!! Anyway, she wants to make her own invites for her friends and we have our invites for our friends (screams into pillow). And relax. So this post is basically my life at the moment. I have now got to point of not wanting to talk to mum about the wedding as I am fed up of hearing the word no. Which is sad.
My Mum’s wedding to my dad in 1979 was organised almost entirely by her Mother. She had the luxury of choosing {and paying} for her own dress but the rest was out of her hands. I’ve often mocked my parents for their miniature pony and cart ride from the church {complete with piles of dung in the photos} but can appreciate that it’s probably not what they would have chosen, if they had been given a choice.
Perhaps because of this, my Mother has been a complete star in terms of our wedding. She appreciates my apprehension about certain traditions and recognises how important it is to me that we keep things fairly informal {but wildly glamorous, of course!}. She didn’t question my need for cocktails {instead of champagne}, stripy straws or a cake buffet {rather than a tiered cake}. The only point I saw her visibly ache over was my refusal to wear a veil. I must admit I’ve struggled with this as I know it would make her very happy if I did wear one.
That said, my in-laws have raised a few eyebrows at certain things, and my fiance has actually been more of a stickler for tradition than I ever thought he would be. I resisted the idea of a receiving line for as long as I could but had to bow to pressure in the end. I have insisted we keep it as short and sweet as possible and I may rebel by high five-ing guests instead of the usual hand shake, just to make it a little more ‘me’!
Wonderful discussion post! That wedding reporter is quite good, isn’t she?! I should, like, totally book her for my wedding or something 😉
Loveaudrey xxx
Although my wedding day was without doubt the most wonderful day of my life, the planning of the wedding was at times traumatic, upsetting and stressful and relationships with my Mother and Sister have never been the same since. My Mother had very fixed ideas on how she felt the wedding should be i.e. like her own, how many guests I should have, what I should wear and she was mortified we had a civil ceremony not a church wedding. She constantly used money as leverage and made nasty comments about guests she did not approve of. The situation reached such a crisis point that myself and my husband were going to cancel the whole thing and instead we tried to scrabble what money we could to pay for the wedding we wanted, granted it was low-key but we had an amazing day – I think secretly my Mother enjoyed it but she never told me so, or even commented on my dress (I shopped for my dress on my own). The experience was a massive learning curve for me, I saw some family members in a whole new light, which was difficult,and I had to learn to stand up for what I believed in, but on the other hand my relationship with my husband grew stronger and stronger and he and our beautiful little boy are my family now x
To this day I’m still paying back what we loaned for our wedding. A silly decision perhaps but I wanted absolute freedom from any parent in my choices. Yes, we struggled and could’ve most definitely done with more help but I relished being able to say, ‘my wedding, my devision’. Did people take umbrage? Of course! Are they over it yet? Hmmm. Possibly not? Did I have the wedding I wanted? Yes. Case closed for me 😉
Morning ladies, and thank you for your contributions.
Jenny Lane – so so difficult isn’t it, feeling you are tied in by others for the fact you are borrowing, or being gifted cash of them to cover what is more often than not enormous wedding day expenses. It worries me a little that people would be more concerned about whether the stationery reflects accurately the amount of ££ being spent overall – there are more important things, so you have my sympathy.
Have you tried sitting down and having a proper conversation with your Mum about things? Maybe try if not – but plan for it – plan in terms of being absolutely sure what you want and how, exactly, you want to explain this to your Mum, and plan for how to deal with any negative responses too. I really don’t want the rest of your wedding planning days to be sad because of this!
xXx
LoveAudrey – my, how times have changed hey? I think many of us who’s parents married in the 60’s and 70s will be able to relate a similar story.
Lucky for me my Mother let me get on with planning my wedding entirely by myself – or ourselves to be correct, as my Husband was very much involved too. There ARE elements of the day I was uncomfortable with however – and my ‘problem person’ was our venue Manager – she was very old-fashioned and insisted on the first dance {I just wasn’t into doing a first dance!} the cutting of the cake {I still cringe at those awkward posed photos} and the receiving line {what’s the point?}. I recall our meetings with her and me questioning these things, but because she was quite abrupt and old-fashioned, I just accepted her response! It didn’t ruin our day, I was completely new to the world of weddings back then and had I had the experience I do now, I would have asked for a more personalised day, tailored to exactly the way we wanted it – which would include absolutely NO speeches!!!
xXx
Cath – I’m really sorry to hear of relations between you and your family have not been so good since your wedding, it is soooooo hard when the people you love let you down this way. I was relieved to read to the end of your comment though and see you feeling more positively. I hope you can continue to channel your energies positively and that one day, you and your Mum both have the opportunity to move on from this experience and embrace married/family live in the most positive way you can 🙂
Much love to you,
Annabel xXx
I’ve also had problems with members of my family from the word go, or should i say the word ‘YES!’
It’s not major things just people assuming they’ve got a right to be rude about the choices you make, my grandmother for instance at the mention of the men possibly wearing black ties exclaimed “Black? how morbid! That’s only at funerals dear.” And she was mortified to hear that I’m not particularly fond of the idea that I should make my three year old son wear a traditional, ill fitting, uncomfortable suit and that I might vary from the norm slightly.
Also my Dad and his girlfriend are contributing some money towards our big day (totally his decision, I didnt ask). He’s having major issues with the fact that my Mam and her husband aren’t giving me a lump of cash, even though she is making the cake and other sweet treats and helping with all other DIY projects and my step dad is designing and paying for the printing of all the stationary. My Dad keeps telling me how unamused he is that his money should pay for my Mams guests, which I think is extremely childish. I have solved this matter and put him in his place by telling him that his money can pay for the photographer, flowers and his guests and the money we have saved ourselves will cover my mothers side. At the end of the day they are our guests not anybody elses so why should there be bitterness about it!
He also told us we are selfish for wanting a sweetheart table but I am sticking to my guns!
I’ve still got five months to go… there’s still a lot that could happen.
Aime x
Both my husband and I are on our second marriage (I know, that makes it sound like we have more planned, that’s not the case at all!)
With his first marriage, he had the traditional church ceremony followed by country house reception. However, he didn’t have a single say in the location, reception, suppliers, even what he wore, because his fiancee’s parents were paying for the majority of it. He felt incredibly disconnected from the entire process; it was just a matter of ‘wear this and turn up.’ Not a happy experience for him.
That’s why, when we got married, we paid for it ourselves, made all the decisions (and also went abroad and did it as a ‘just us two’ wedding with no guests or family present). Being a second marriage, either of our families were upset about this and were happy for us to have a private ceremony, which was fortunate. My step-sister, for instance, still doesn’t speak to her mother, over fifteen years after her wedding, just because they had a difference of opinion over the seating plan. Madness.
My jaw is literally dropping at all of your very open responses. Thanks for sharing these tales as I know they will help others who are feeling somewhat frustrated in similar situations!
I honestly don’t know what to say as I know how high tensions can run at times like this. My husband always told me that if anyone was disparaging about our wedding plans we should just refuse to give them grandchildren…I *think* he was joking…!
All I can say is that I think you ought to hold fast to what you believe in and what you want because in years to come you’ll be able to look back with pride at what you achieved in the face of adversity, rather than feeling sad about what you could have had.
Good luck! x
Myself and my fiance are just recently engaged and our wedding is not until March 2013 but I am already feeling the pressure from both sides of the family. When we first started looking into venues my mom made some disparaging remarks about a certain type of venue which is very popular at the moment. That promptly cut my list of suggestions down by half! I know she would never mean to be so cutting about our choice of venue but sometimes she forgets that my taste may not necessarily be her taste and vice versa.
The inlaws have also made remarks about our wedding being in March, because apparently “everyone” gets married during the summer.
Its still early days so I’m hoping thats all the negative comments we are going to get!
My parents and in-laws are both contributing some money to the wedding, which is easing the strain financially a great deal, but neither have been at all pushy – I feel very lucky!
I think they were of the 60’s/70’s generation, as others have said, who didn’t really have any control over their own wedding and they don’t want to impose the same thing on us. (My mum says she felt very out of place at her own wedding and the whole thing just went by in a blur…also I think in those days there was a perception that the party was ‘for the family’, not for the bride and groom and their friends – the married couple would traditionally leave for their honeymoon mid-afternoon and miss out on half the day!)
I’ve also tried to balance things between my mother and mother-in-law and the things I want to keep control of myself – my mum is making the favours (home-made jam) and in-law is doing the flowers. (I do feel she has steered me slightly in some flower choices to things I wouldn’t necessarily have picked, but she has done wedding and church flowers many times before so I am willing to trust her judgement over mine).
However I think I’ve slightly offended them both by not involving them in the dress decision – I hate clothes shopping with anyone, would have felt self-conscious trying on dresses in front of them, and feel much happier for having done this on my own. I hope my mum does understand this wasn’t meant as a personal slight, just what made me feel comfortable.
As far as ‘wedding traditions’ go, I vetoed the receiving line, which I think my parents would have found a bit awkward and old-fashioned anyway – my brother didn’t have one at his wedding – but my in-laws would probably prefer it if we did have it. I just can’t bear them, though! We aren’t doing a first dance either, as my other half hates dancing – secretly I’d quite like to do it, but I’m not too fussed.
And we couldn’t do without a traditional wedding cake as fruit cake is my other half’s favourite flavour anyway – but we are catering for vegans and wheat/gluten free diets so had the perfect excuse to have some cupcakes on the side too!
My fiancé and I are having an awful time trying to organise our wedding due to my parents. They are contributing half of the cost, and controlling at the best of times, but at this rate we’ll be eloping.
We picked a venue, they hated it. We picked another venue which fulfilled 98% of the criteria they laid down after hating the first one, but it costs a little more. They’ve vetoed that too because of the extra costs. I arrived home to last night to find my mum and fiancé having an argument on the phone. Sigh.
Basically they want us to have a hotel wedding, and the last thing we want is a bland hotel. We live in a capital city, and work in design, so we know what we want our day to look like stylistically and we want something a little different. Most of the venues we like are beyond our budget and we need to compromise. Castles and like just aren’t ‘us’ and while everyone will be travelling here for the wedding, there are millions of hotels they can stay in, we don’t need to get married in one!
Other stipulations include: no stairs in the venue [for the sake of grandparents], no buffet meal [it looks cheap], and they want to pay for my dress otherwise I’ll ‘not even bother with a proper wedding dress’ which I can assure you I would, I don’t even own a pair of trousers, so why wouldn’t I?!! I’ve actually asked my mum to come dress shopping with me on 4 occasions and she has turned me down each time. She has also suggested to my dad that I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle as I’ll just want to be different. Again, not true.
Just because we don’t want to do the same as my sister [capitulate and go for the traditional hotel do complete with loads of guests who were unnecessary, top table and fancy cars, none of which she wanted] they are making it really hard for us. In fact my mum suggested that we hire a restaurant for a night seeing as we “don’t want to properly celebrate getting married” which I find disrespectful and which is also patently untrue.
I’m about ready to throw in the towel. This is meant to be a happy time but I’m really upset at the moment, and my fiancé is furious. This isn’t how it was meant to be.
I caved on a lot of aspects to my wedding, including allowing my Dad to invite his cousins (many) and their children. I hardly knew any of them and my husband’s family had to invite friends to even things out. As it was, his family had one small table and the other 8 were for mine. I did it for an easy life and didn’t regret it at the time, BUT another relative had the sense to stick to his guns and invite only people he wanted to be there. His was the best wedding I have ever been to!
If I had it to do again I would fight my corner and share my day with the people I want to be there.
Really interested topic. We are getting married in September next year which I think is reasonably imminent – both sets of parents perceive as way off in the future so we have yet to come across any negativity. At times, it is almost coming across as a total lack of interest, to which any kind of reaction, negative or otherwise, (especially from OH’s parents) would be welcome!
The big “ewwws” from my mum so far has been a cake of cheese and bridesmaids in teal or blue (dusky pink would be more fitting) but she has now moved on and is being lovely about everything. Even making us special “magnificent matrimony” chutney and a pork pie top for our cheese cake! So… maybe my advice would be to not over react or rebel too much, just quietly stick to your guns.
oh and ignore comments from grandmas along the lines of “what a waste of money having a big wedding” in comparison to sister in law’s eloping abroad which is far preferable, apparently. That’s not so fun.
When we got engaged one of the first things we decided was that we wanted our wedding to be outside. Of course because outdoor weddings aren’t legal in the UK we are having to make a quick trip to the registry office the day before to get the legal stuff out of the way. This has led to lots of comments of “Oh so it’s not a proper wedding then” from numerous different people struggling to get their head around it. The exchange of vows, rings, readings etc will all still be there, we just won’t be signing the register but I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve tried explaining this to people. #
We’re sticking to our guns though and just hoping that once people experience it, they’ll understand and enjoy it.
It’s sad most arguments revolve around money isn’t it? It actually makes me sick to my stomach, but as they say, sometimes money makes the world go around.
Well I tell you what, I’m sure as hell trying to not make it rule mine.
When we first got engaged, Boy and I didn’t even think to ask for financial help (probably quite selfishly thinking that they wouldn’t want to be involved). It would be OUR wedding, so we would pay for it. We started talking planning to my parents, who immediately said ‘you are our only child, we’ve been saving since the day you were born! We’ve got X-amount for you’. I was ecstatic they were so generous and thankfully they know how stubborn I am so try not to meddle too much. They also know how tight money-wise I am, so they have actually had to persuade me to choose some more elaborate things and tell me not worry so much that I am taking their money. They just want us to be happy.
The in-laws on the other hand – nightmare. No offer of help or money etc etc, and yet when we told them of our plans so far, they were very opinionated and seemingly offended they weren’t involved. Not that they asked… (I could rant for DAYS here).
Anyway, point of the matter is, the people that know me inside out (Boy, my parents, best friend) know exactly what to expect, and are excited to see how we will do things. Everyone else that is offended/opinionated about our way of doing things, clearly should just take the time to get to know us better.
Ladies!!! I so desperately want to reply, but am due out at my Daughters School Christmas play! I’ll check back in later and reply then…
xXx
Wow, really heartbreaking hearing peoples’ stories on here…you have my sympathies ladies.
Our wedding is next April and we decided from the get go to self fund to cut out the potential for people to think they had bought the right to have an opinion.
Fortunately my parents have been very hands off and actually have very little insight into what to expect as I really want them to enjoy all the surprises on the day. Their reaction just today to receiving our wedding invitation has been magical and reconfirms to us that this was the right approach – for us at least.
My fiance is Italian and as such comes with a family who had expectations of a huge wedding and certain traditions….we are having a wedding with 18 guests which is non-traditional and will be hopefully beautiful yet informal.
We’ve had a few “the family won’t like it” comments but have got off quite lightly I think…self funding has certainly helped but so has having a thick skin and the confidence to tell those people that we hope they will recognise that our wedding will be about us and what we want.
Be strong ladies
xx
It astounds me that once you get engaged, people (family, friends, random strangers, colleagues) feel like it is a license to criticise and judge every single aspect of what you are planning. I haven’t enjoyed wedding planning all that much so far, and seriously regret inviting some family members to come dress shopping with me. I now find myself resenting every opinion offered to me, regardless of whether or not I agree with it.
Now I haven’t had it that bad at all – we made it clear from the outset that we are doing it our way, and for the most part that has been respected. We are lucky enough to have contributions from both sides, with no strings attached. I know how lucky we are to have that. But I don’t need to hear again and again and again that the dress I love isn’t very flattering, or that the venue we have chosen isn’t really “me” or that I “have” to do this that and the other because thats what people will expect.
As far as I am concerned, getting married is up there as one of the most personal and private and special things two people can do together – it has nothing to do with anyone else, and I include parents, siblings, and best friends when I say that. Yes you want to celebrate with those people, and of course its wonderful to have the day when you can do so – but its not about them, its about you and your partner.
I find it hard to now to talk about our wedding plans with people in my immediate family who i should be the most excited to share things with. I talk to friends who are either already married and have been through the same, or a friend who is engaged as well but has way more family issues than I.
I should count my blessings. I am extremely lucky as its really not so bad. But i thought I would enjoy planning my wedding and I’m not. It’s such a personal thing and I am so sensitive about it which is not something i can help, but I should remember thats not my family’s fault either.
I just want to be married, without any nonsense, judgement, or self-consciousness.
I completely sympathise with all your comments about difficult family members and difference of opinions. 🙁 Our wedding planning was exceptionally difficult due to one family member in particular. In addition, the cultural differences between my fairly laid-back English family & my husband’s very traditional Afrikaans family made things even more complicated! One close family member threatened on numerous occasions not to come to the wedding, as we weren’t doing things ‘right’. Thankfully, the rest of our friends and family were very supportive, including our grandparents, and loved that we created something different, memorable, and ‘us’. If your guests are enjoying and celebrating with you, they won’t notice what you didn’t have, only what you did! You are the ones who will look back and remember this day for the rest of your lives, besides, they probably don’t really like fruit cake either 😉
Anon – I just want to be married, without any nonsense, judgement, or self-consciousness.
Hear hear!
WOW, I haven’t managed to read all of the above but I just want to say to all of you with the family issues, PLEASE PLEASE just elope or go to a registry office secretly with friends and then announce that you are married. You can’t choose your family and however much you love them they have no right to destroy your day or ruin your relationship.
This is the time you need to be a team with your other half and fight off all those silly comments together to do what you want.
LISA, this is what we did in my parents field, it was all fine and such an amazing day. The day before we went to the registry office with just close family.
Just ignore the comments. My lovely Grandad insisted on doing a bible reading as he was genuinely convinced we had joined a humanist cult! I was really lovely in the end and that part of ther ceremomny means a lot to me now he’s not here.
Just enjoy it all and stay strong!
Miss Fox – your comment actually made me really upset. I cannot believe your own parents could be like this. It’s just not on. It sounds like you’ve made a point in not following some out-dated traditions (rightly so, we’re the same) and now your parents have latched onto that fact and are just being plain mean and immature about it. Like, why wouldn’t you want a dress?! Or to walk down the aisle with your dad?! Completely feel for you lovely.
I feel completely and utterly lucky and blessed reading some of these comments that our parents have been so passive in our wedding plans!
Laura C – we’re the same, assumed we would be funding the wedding ourself on a modest budget, but the parents decided to contribute, very kindly. My dad just got a promotion and he said he should have got it when we were kids, so what else are they gonna do with the extra money now. Which I did not expect at all and there were a few tears shed.
Vicki Preston-Ladd – our wedding is in April too and we haven’t even finished making our invites yet, let alone sent them out, eek! Am I behind? lol xxx
Aime – 5 months to go for us too, so yes, anything can happen in that time!
Think our only hairy moment with the in-laws was when the MIL to be asked if my fiances niece could be bridesmaid. Awkward, as we only wanted 2 adult bridesmaids (my sis and bestie) to keep the costs down. i was angry at first, you can’t just ask that can you!!!??? But then after I was worried about saying no. But luckily we did say no and explained why, and all was understood.
My parents have only so far insisted on one thing – a table of their friends at the meal, as my parents were invited to their children’s weddings. Fine by me. Also, they were a bit unsure about a ‘non-traditional’ photographer (we prefer the natural reportage style) but as soon as they saw our e-shoot photos they were completely bowled over. They trust our instincts and that’s what they should do as a parent (well, maybe not trust the OH’s instinct after his suggestion of having a Ghostbusters theme wedding…).
Anon and Miss Fox re: ‘I just want to be married’. Completely agree and sometimes a lot of brides and families forget that. My gran (dad’s mum) planned their whole wedding – mum let her as mum saw the wedding day as more as a ‘means to an end’ – all she wanted was to be married to my dad, the day didn’t matter to her. When I get stressed with wedding planning I just think back to that statement from my mum (it’s just a means to an end!) and then the stress is insignificant in comparison to the feeling i get knowing I’m going to spend the rest of life with my love xxx
I’m starting out as a wedding planner and spend a lot of time reading blogs, magazines and looking for inspiring ideas to use on our big day. Unfortunately I come from a big family of people who don’t see weddings in the same way as I do – an opportunity to express our personalities, and who seem offended that I don’t want to have a replica of their own wedding days.
Unusually we have chosen to get married in the same church as my parents, as well as hold our reception in the same hall that they did but this was our own choice not theirs! We have had a few comments but not really from my mum – which is surprising as she is usually very opinionated.
I spoke to her about it a few days ago and her answer really surprised me – not only does she not want to take control because she didn’t get to plan her own wedding and so didn’t enjoy it as much as she wanted to(and doesn’t want the same for me), but she also said that since going through chemotherapy for breast cancer treatment this year her whole outlook on life has changed and that all she wants is for me to be happy. Her acceptance has given me the confidence to make the decisions that I was worried about making – such as getting rid of the receiving line, having a sponge cake not a fruit cake, asking guests to BYOB etc…
I hope everybody realises that they can have the wedding of their dreams no matter what other people think. Even if your families are helping you out financially their priorities should be your happiness above all – so yes, compromise where necessary, but don’t forget to stand up for yourself and your dream day!
xxx
Both sides of the family (his parents and my parents) have given us £2K each which is fantastic, however… there’s some issues that have popped up.
I’ve picked my favourite photographer and she’s pretty good price considering how amazing she is AND is nearby… but my mother-in-law keeps trying to hunt down a mate of hers with a camera. Now I understand she’s trying to help me out but I have full confidence in my photographer, not someone I’ve never met or know what their past work is like. I’ve offered my niece if she wants help getting a portfolio together she can take photographs, but I’m still having my professional!
Also apparently her daughter is now my head bride’s maid. Did I miss that bit of news? This is just a small amount of whats happened… and because if it I just sprunge on the fact I already organised venue, ceremony and photographer.
This really is a double-edged sword isn’t it? On the one hand, it’s just a single day out of your life so is it really worth falling out with close ones over? On the other hand, it might be the most important day of your life and you want other people to respect that, and trust you to know what’s best for you as a couple.
I think Lisa hit the nail on the head for me when she said, “So… maybe my advice would be to not over react or rebel too much, just quietly stick to your guns.” This seems like a sensible way to persevere and the method through which you will manage to maintain the most amount of grace!
I am genuinely sorry to hear of some of these stories, from Jenny’s mum not approving of the invitations because they don’t seem flashy enough to the lovely Anon who really seems to be having a tough time. Each and every one of you have made valid points and my heart yearns to shout at those who are making your planning process miserable.
Just remember to keep the end goal in mind ladies: at the end of the day you’ll have married your soulmate, so whatever decisions your lumped with, I guarantee that ultimately YOU will be the winner. 😉
I really enjoyed this post as it’s something that we were really careful to manage well as we are very close to our families and felt planning our wedding had the potential to cause some tension. I found giving my mum specific jobs to do was really helpful – ie could you research wedding dress shops please? This really helped her feel involved and important (and filled my inbox!!
I was concerned when my mother in law asked for a full guest list with annotations of who was who…. However she learned the whole list off by heart and circled the wedding speaking to everyone, she was amazing!
I do think it’s important to make sure the key people feel involved rather than alienated, I guess it’s about compromise. I was determind to do everything my way including nonseating plan. My poor dad found this out the night before the wedding and began to get cross… Which I think was due to worry that the grandparents (we had 7 at our wedding!!) wouldn’t have a nice place to sit…. So I compromised at the 11th hour and reserved a big table for each of our families with a table for 2 in the middle for me and the boy. It totally made our wedding, was great!! It was relaxed and my dad was happy, so were the grandparents!! Hard though, isn’t it?!I guess the main thing is try not to react emotionally to demands – maybe respond the next day after planning how to tackle the issue… Easier said than done!! X
Miss Fox your story resonates so much with me, I had very similar experiences with my parents and huge rows over cost, venue, guests – oh the lists goes on….I really struggled to comprehend why my nearest and dearest could be so unkind and disrespectful to myself and my husband over our wishes for our wedding, my husband was in fact completely disregarded as though both him and his family had no say in the wedding at all, my mother would utter the immortal words YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER – awful, just awful, I just cried with despair and eventually my husband and I had to confront my parents and sister and tell them that the whole sorry situation had to stop or the wedding would be cancelled, if I had had my way it would have been and we would have gone abroad but my husband was determined to have a ‘family’ wedding. You must do what is right for you and your fiancee, and not allow family to bully you, which is what they are doing in a round about way. We had our wedding our way, we made some compromises to keep folks happy and we had a wonderful day, unfortunately though it’s not an entire fairy tale ending, my sister has never forgiven me, for what I’m not sure, but she won’t forgive me, and my relationship with my Mother has changed considerably. I still struggle to understand why they did what they did, I think that is the hardest part, how the people you love can hurt you so much. Keep strong, stand up for what you both believe in and when the day comes have a beautiful, wonderful day xxx
Oh guys, weddings are so bloody hard sometimes. I am writing my mum a carefully worded letter after Christmas in the hope I can make my voice heard.
Beautifully written and so so true!
Weddings bring out the best or, in some cases, the worst in people. Managing the dynamics can be such a nightmare, but I’m a firm believer that rather than harbouring frustration, having a candid conversation about it with those who are trying to dictate the rules might let them see the upset that it’s causing, and because they love you sooo much, they might become more reasonable…
Weddings bring out the best or, in some cases, the worst in people. Managing the dynamics can be such a nightmare, but I’m a firm believer that rather than harbouring frustration, having a candid conversation about it with those who are trying to dictate the rules might let them see the upset that it’s causing, and because they love you sooo much, they might become more reasonable…
Thanks for all the kind words of support ladies, you’ve made me feel a lot better. My fella and I have decided that we’re going to thank my parents for their financial help but try to go down the ‘small and intimate wedding’ route, funding it ourselves as much as possible. That feels like the best thing to do, and the best way to ensure that it’s our wedding.
Like you Cath we want to have our wedding, our way. I hope that you manage to get back on good terms with your mum and sister, and I’ll try to put a stop to this craziness now before we end up in the same sitation. xx
Our first problem came with the guest list. Our idea of a small intimate wedding soon turned into a guest list of 150 once the in laws had sent us their additions. At first i was all for contesting this but we’ve instead compromised, they get their guests (as evening guests only) and in return we have 100% control over all other aspects of the wedding 🙂 yeah there have been a few raised eyebrows towards some of our choices (like the live rock band we booked this week!) but no objections!
Interesting many people have referenced the source of money as the ‘leverage’. Yes my Mum did put much of the money up, but it was never used as leverage. What did cause trauma and stress was not wanting to disappoint. Many people encouraged us to have our wedding our way, i.e. having more friends than necessarily family, to keep numbers down, however it was love for my mum and respecting her feelings that made us compromise. She would say it was our wedding and we should have it how we wanted, however whenever we spoke about the wedding she was so sad to think all my cousins children would not be there, as family is so important to her, that we did invite them, and also had a few as flower girls (this was on a £7k budget-where there’s a will there’s a way!)…and you know what I am glad they were all there, and everyone enjoyed it to the max!
I am incredibly fortunate and my parents are paying for my wedding. My gran had full reign over my mum’s wedding and shot down pretty much all of my mum’s ideas so my mum hated it, especially her dress. So I think because of this, my mum has been awesome and planning my wedding has been so much fun and exciting and it’s brought us closer together 🙂 It helps that we are very alike and have similar tastes and ideas, it’s also really helpful that she’s now an assistant registrar and is a fountain of knowledge about all the official stuff! I know that I’m hugely lucky to have such a good relationship with my mum that even if we did have a major disagreement, we’d find a way to compromise but *fingers crossed* no major dramas yet(there’s over 16 months to go though, so we’ll see!) in fact, the only person that I seem to be disagreeing with is my bridesmaid but only over little things like she wants us to make the invitations and I can’t be bothered!
I hope that everyone who’s having issues with parents and in-laws can manage to resolve any problems and have an amazing day but even if you do have to compromise and have to include things that you’re not crazy about, try not to dwell on it and concentrate on all the good things 🙂